With or Without You Read online

  “Did you call him?” Brianna came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head.

  “We don’t have time to visit with Matt. I called the front desk. There’ll be a cab out front in thirty minutes to take us to the airport.”

  Brianna sat on the edge of the bed. “What happened, Mom? Your hands are shaking. Did he upset you?”

  Tessa sat next to her. “It isn’t Matt. He was a perfect gentleman.”

  “Not perfect. You came in at five a.m. So you slept with him?”

  Brianna had always been open with Tessa about her sex life, but Tessa rarely had any tidbits of news to reciprocate. “Yes, but it won’t be happening again so there’s nothing more to say and no reason to meet Matt for breakfast.”

  Brianna’s shoulders slumped and her lips pursed. “It was that bad.”

  No, it was that good.

  Chapter Five

  Matt stood and looked over his surgery schedule. This wasn’t a good time to shift his workload to another surgeon. Turning away from the desk, he walked to the windows overlooking the downtown skyline. The tall buildings reminded him of Los Angeles…of Tessa.

  Going back to his desk, he sat in the chair and pulled up the reunion website. She’d left Los Angeles before they’d had a chance to exchange phone numbers and email addresses. If he wanted to see her again, he’d have to go. Not that he wanted to socialize with former classmates, but sometimes the gut had to be trusted. He’d connected with Tessa and more than just physically, although the sex had been incredible too.

  After he entered his registration information, the site redirected him to a list of those attending. A smile found his lips. Not only did it give their names, brief bios and a current picture, but it listed emails and phone numbers. Automatically his eyes dropped to the third name on the list. Tessa Brooks.

  Without hesitation he picked up the phone on the corner of his desk and dialed the number.

  One ring. Two. Three. He glanced at the clock and hung up. She was probably still at work. Just like he should be, but first he needed to book a flight to Salt Lake City. Then he’d see about rescheduling those patients who could wait and referring those who couldn’t to other doctors.

  Later that evening, Matt jotted Tessa’s phone number on a prescription pad and slid it into his pocket. As usual, it was dark when he left the hospital. There wasn’t anything to go home to but an empty condo. He tended to patronize the same takeout places on his way home. Not that he minded cooking, but would prefer to cook for someone. He imagined Tessa making dinner for Brianna. While married to Pam, he tried to be home for dinner. Since the divorce, he’d grown accustomed to eating alone. Since dining with Tessa, he realized he missed conversation over a good meal.

  After stopping for Chinese food, Matt went home. For the first time in what felt like years, excitement pumped through his veins. Granted, Tessa had practically run from the hotel, but she’d explained—they had an early flight.

  He toed off his shoes by the front door, went to the kitchen and set the take-out cartons on the counter. Before he called Tessa he wanted to be comfortable. He jogged up the stairs to the loft bedroom and went to his closet.

  Matt didn’t consider himself a neat freak, but the condo was small. So everything had its place. He’d had the big house with Pam. For the last five years he’d kept his life simple. He leased his condo and car, worked too much and avoided long-term commitments…of any kind. Sure, he’d dated some nurses. Fucked a few. Now apparently, and to his own disbelief, he was willing to reconsider his position. He wanted to see Tessa again.

  He took her number from the pocket of his trousers then he changed into sweats and a T-shirt.

  Adrenaline rushed to his heart. The fast pounding echoed in his ear as he picked up the cordless phone and took it to the kitchen. Scrubbing his whisker-covered jaw, he stared at the number. Then he dialed.

  A woman answered on the first ring.

  “This is Matt Toler, is Tessa available?”

  “Matt,” the girl said excitedly. “It’s Brianna. Yes, she’s here. One moment and I’ll get her.”

  He heard the thump of the phone being set down on a table. After about a thirty-second wait he heard muted voices. Another fifteen seconds. Maybe it was a bad time. As much as he wanted to talk with Tessa he could always call back.

  “Hello.”

  And there was her voice, as smoky and sexy as he remembered. Christ, blood left his brain and surged into his cock. He shifted on the seat. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  This wasn’t exactly stimulating conversation. Tell that to his libido. His heart rate spiked and his palms grew moist. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I hope it’s all right to call. I got your number from the reunion website.”

  “It’s fine. The reunion website?”

  “Yes, I registered this afternoon. My plane comes in Thursday night.” He steeled his nerves. “I want to see you.”

  “I…um… I’ll see you at the reunion.”

  This wasn’t exactly the response he expected. He wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. Push? Retreat? “Then I’ll see you Friday night for the mixer.”

  “Sure.”

  “I’d like another dance.”

  Silence.

  Matt swallowed the lump in his throat. Disappointment didn’t come close to describing the emotion roiling in his stomach. He hadn’t expected fall-at-his-feet devotion, but a friendly voice and a casual conversation would have been nice. Reciprocation of the strong feelings he had would’ve been better. He must have read her signals wrong. Although he didn’t know how you misinterpreted her legs wrapped around his head while he lapped at her peach of a pussy or when he buried his cock in her hot, honeyed channel. “I’ll let you go,” he said into the phone before he embarrassed himself with heavy panting.

  “Thanks for calling. Goodbye, Matt.”

  Tessa put her hand to her chest and set the phone on the table. The room started to spin. This wasn’t happening, not possible. Heavy tears filled her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. She pressed trembling fingers to her lips. “I can’t do this. Oh God.”

  “Mom?”

  Tessa spun around. She hadn’t realized Brianna had come back into the room. Tessa tried to force a smile, but her lips wouldn’t move. Thoughts froze in her brain and time seemed to stand still.

  “Mom, what is it? Is it Matt?”

  Tessa shook her head then nodded. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Fear squeezed her chest. Matt was coming to the reunion. He wanted to continue what happened in Los Angeles. And dammit, so did she. “I’m fine.” Tessa blinked quickly and wiped her cheeks with her fingers.

  “No you aren’t.” Brianna rushed to her side and pulled her into a hug. “Mom, you’re scaring me. What did Matt say on the phone?”

  Tessa gulped air and let it out slowly. “He’s coming to the reunion.”

  Brianna smiled wide. “I think that’s wonderful. He must’ve really enjoyed himself. Mom, why are you still crying?”

  “You don’t understand.”

  Brianna’s head tilted to the side and her eyes sparkled with understanding. “I do. It’s been me and you for so long. Moving forward is going to be difficult.”

  How could she tell Brianna that moving on was not the problem, but moving on with her biological father posed a huge complication? She had to tell her the truth.

  Suddenly her mouth was dry. She swallowed. Still the words wouldn’t come.

  “I know I only met him for a moment, but I liked him.” Brianna stepped away then sat on the couch. “I feel like I already know him from all the stories you’ve told me.”

  Yes, stories. Embellishments on events that almost happened. Like when they went to the high school football games, and while yes, they sat by each other, they didn’t arrive or leave together. Or like on the night of the prom when they’d attended the same party. They had common friends, because while they both excelled scholastically, a few of their interests
had been the same, but for whatever reason, they’d never become friends. Funny how they’d both ended up in the medical field.

  Tessa briefly mulled over her memories. Maybe they had spent more time together than she remembered. It didn’t really matter now. Twenty years had passed and her secret had to come out. She knew that. Fear of what he’d say, of what Brianna would want and what their knowing would cost her were the reasons she never tried to contact him over the years. With stark clarity she realized how terribly wrong she’d been to keep the truth from Brianna…and from Matt. Guilt seeped into her psyche.

  Tessa took a deep breath and faced Brianna.

  And her resolve faltered. First she needed to find the right words.

  “Are you excited to see him?”

  “I’ll see him at the reunion.” Tessa turned and walked toward the kitchen. Her sanctuary. Nothing bad happened in the heart of the home.

  White walls with sunflowers and vines stenciled high in the corners. The painted flowers weaved over the large sliding glass doors. She stepped outside onto the deck.

  Tessa didn’t have time to garden and tend to her yard. Once Brianna was old enough to have boyfriends, mowing the lawn somehow became a prerequisite to dating her. One imposed by Brianna. More tears choked Tessa’s throat.

  “I’m not leaving until you tell me what happened.” Brianna came to stand beside her. “I know you. All of my life you have spoken of Matt Toler. Now when there is a real chance you two could have something cool you’re running scared.”

  “Billy must have come by today. The grass looks good.”

  “Yes, he mowed and watered. Don’t change the subject. I’ll thank him for you later.” Brianna looked at her watch. “He’s coming over to my apartment tonight.”

  “Do I want to hear this?”

  “Hey, you had sex with Matt.” She cocked an eyebrow. “And now you won’t talk to him. I know you better than that. You don’t have one-night stands.”

  Tessa snorted. “Maybe you don’t know me so well.”

  “Oh please, Mother. If Matt hadn’t been your high school sweetheart, you never would’ve fallen back into bed with him.”

  Tessa chuckled. “High school sweethearts.” She shook her head. “More like a high school crush.”

  Brianna leaned against the railing. She reached out and put her hand on Tessa’s arm. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “That I never had a love affair with Matt Toler. Whatever we did have, I assure you, was one-sided. My side.”

  Tessa sat in one of the deck chairs and stared into the night sky. Stars sparkled like the million tiny lies she’d told over the years. Individually they didn’t seem to matter much, now she had a tapestry of mendacious tales and she was unable to distinguish what had been truth and what had been her fabrication.

  “Never?” Brianna sat across from her.

  Tessa chuckled nervously. “Not exactly never.” Oh God, this was hard. She knew telling the truth would be difficult. Tessa took a deep breath and gave the abridged version of the prom. “I needed a ride home.” Tears burned in her eyes. She couldn’t stop them from streaming down her cheeks.

  Brianna’s eyes narrowed as she stared at Tessa, not understanding the full implication. “And?”

  “And Matt took me home. He stayed the night at my house because my parents were gone for the weekend.”

  “Mom, teenagers have sex on prom night all the time. What I can’t believe is grandpa and grandma missed your prom night.”

  One of the reasons Tessa had watched Brianna like a hawk during her high school years. Nursing had allowed her to be home with Brianna in the afternoon. She’d been determined not to let the same fate meet her daughter.

  “Matt and I had one night together.”

  Brianna’s lips twitched. “No, I think you’ve had two nights together now. And if you’d just see him it could be more.”

  “I’m not going to see him again.”

  Sweat beaded on Tessa’s chest and trickled between her breasts. Her breath came in shallow pants. She was going to do it. “Brianna, we had one night…in 1988.”

  Brianna paused, stared and assimilated what Tessa said. “What are you saying?” Her voice quivered in the still night.

  Tessa stood and wiped her palms on her thighs. She swallowed, licked her bottom lip and faced her daughter. With a pounding heart, she inhaled deeply to calm herself. Still her breath came hard and fast. Pressure tightened like a vise on her chest. “You see…” The night air caught in her throat. She coughed and said, “Matt’s your father.”

  Silence descended like a shroud of deceit. A pregnant moment passed. Tessa wanted Brianna to scream, yell, anything but the cold, vacant stare.

  Finally, she spoke. “You lied to me.” Her forehead scrunched. “All these years you’ve lied about everything.”

  “No, I didn’t give you the full truth, but I didn’t lie.”

  “That’s fucking semantics. I want to meet him.” Brianna stood and paced the deck. “Not a passing hello. I want to know how he could stand there and look at me and not acknowledge…anything. He looked right at me.” She shook her head. “How could he do it? I want to know why he wasn’t around. I want him to look me in the face and explain.” She spun around and glared at Tessa. The pain in her eyes knifed through Tessa’s heart.

  “He didn’t know.”

  “How does a—what?” Tears streaked down Brianna’s face. “You never told him either?”

  “I’m so sorry, Brianna. I didn’t tell anyone.”

  “Sorry? Sorry for what? That you lied or that the truth is out?”

  “I realize now that I should have told you…that I should have told Matt.” Tessa raked her nails through her hair. “I was a stupid eighteen-year-old girl. I’d slept with him prom night, but I didn’t figure out I was pregnant until summer. I was four months along and Matt had left for college.” She threw her arms wide. “I’d had a one-night stand with a guy that had left on a four-year scholarship to an Ivy League university.”

  The memories from those lonely days after she’d discovered she was pregnant came rushing back with a flood of emotion. The fear, the anger, the hopelessness. But she’d weathered the storm and raised her daughter. Yes, she saw the flaws in her thinking now…now that it was too late. “I didn’t tell him. We weren’t in love. We barely knew each other.” She crossed the deck and took hold of Brianna’s wrists. “I loved and wanted you from the moment I found out about you, but I was not going to have Matt hate the both of us for the rest of our lives.”

  “How do you know he’d hate us?” Brianna’s eyes narrowed and her gaze cut through Tessa. “Maybe you, but I deserved a father. Damn you.” She shook Tessa loose and ran back into the house. “You should have told me,” she called over her shoulder.

  The door slammed and Tessa startled.

  Yeah, in hindsight Tessa agreed, but the decision hadn’t been Brianna’s. Tessa had decided. Now she had to live with the choices she’d made. She sighed and went into the house. Brianna’s purse was gone. Tessa went to the window and peeked through the curtain. Brianna’s car was gone too. She hadn’t said goodbye, and Tessa couldn’t really blame her.

  Emotionally drained, she went to her room. After stripping down to a bra and panties, she burrowed beneath her comforter. The cotton sheets were cool against her heated flesh. Closing her eyes, she let her body relax into the comfortable bed and she cried. Somehow she’d make amends. Tomorrow she’d talk to Brianna and hopefully her daughter would see how a workable solution twenty years ago could become so screwed up.

  The phone rang. Tessa glanced at the caller ID. “I’m sorry,” she said by way of greeting.

  “I want to meet him, Mom.”

  “I know.”

  “You said he was coming to the reunion.”

  “He’ll be here Thursday night.”

  “I know it’ll be hard for you, but I think it’s my turn to be selfish.”

  “I wasn’t selfish. At the t
ime I thought I was doing the right thing.” She still wasn’t convinced she hadn’t made the best and smartest choice. Who knew what would’ve happened had she told Matt? Maybe he would’ve stuck around, but second guessing wouldn’t change anything.

  “I want you to tell him on Thursday, because I want as much time as possible to get to know him before he has to leave.”

  The phone line was quiet but Tessa heard Brianna’s tears. “I’ll tell him.”

  “Thank you.” Brianna hiccupped.

  “I love you.”

  “I gotta go.”

  Chapter Six

  Tessa studied her reflection in the mirror. In the past few days she’d lost a few pounds. Instead of hugging her curves, the jeans she wore rode low on her hips, stylish for someone in their twenties.

  She glanced at her watch and groaned. If she left now she’d still be late meeting Matt considering she was supposed to be at the restaurant five minutes ago. His flight had arrived earlier in the day, but he’d wanted time to freshen up before going to dinner.

  She’d been torn. A public venue wasn’t exactly the appropriate place to tell a man he had an adult daughter. Yet, going to his hotel room was absolutely out of the question. One room with one large bed and a man she couldn’t stop thinking about equated to a recipe for disaster. Running through all the possible scenarios, she figured she’d tell him in the car after they had a bite to eat. They weren’t going anywhere fancy, but sharing life-changing information over hamburgers at Applebee’s seemed exceedingly tacky. So she’d tell him in the car, in the parking lot. Slightly less public.

  Grabbing her keys off the counter, she headed out the door. The drive only took a few minutes and it went far too fast. She needed to settle her nerves. Brianna’s reaction had been bad, but her daughter loved her. Granted, they hadn’t talked much in the last few days. All conversations revolved around whether Tessa had spoken to Matt. And then Brianna wanted details. Well, Tessa didn’t have details. At least not the kind she could share with her daughter. Up until this point Tessa’s knowledge of the man had mostly to do with his prowess in bed!