With or Without You Read online

  Tessa followed him, but stood a few feet away. “I told her about you because I wanted her to know who you were without telling her exactly who you were.”

  Matt took the picture off the wall. His pallor revealed the dawning of understanding. He turned to Tessa.

  She covered her mouth with her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

  He trailed his fingers over Brianna’s image, traced her lips, chin and nose—all gifts from her father.

  “She’s your daughter.” Tears streamed down Tessa’s cheeks and dripped from her face. “I know I can’t ask you to forgive me. But at least try to understand why I chose to raise her on my own. In the beginning, I thought I’d done the right thing by not ruining your scholarship, your potential career.” Tessa sighed and sat back down on the couch. “But then the years went by.”

  “So, if Brianna hadn’t called the show, I never would’ve known I had a child with you.” He sat, still clutching the picture in his hands.

  Tessa bowed her head. “Oh Matt, I wish I could say I would’ve found the courage to tell her…to tell you. But no, I don’t believe I ever would have.”

  He set the picture on the coffee table and stared at it. “She’s beautiful.”

  “She wants to meet you.”

  His head snapped up. “You told her.”

  Tessa nodded.

  “When?”

  “After the show. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t see you again. I was scared, but I finally realized I couldn’t lie to either one of you anymore.”

  “That’s fucking good of you. Lie for twenty years and now you develop a conscience. Bullshit. You couldn’t hide the truth anymore.”

  She deserved his anger. Moreover, she didn’t have a right to steal Brianna’s childhood from him. “I’m sorry.”

  “Damn you. Sorry isn’t good enough.” He rubbed his hand over his forehead. “We had a daughter.” He picked up the picture again. “I can’t stop looking at her.”

  “I don’t blame you for hating me, but please give Brianna a chance.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You really think I’d walk away from her? I won’t now…and I wouldn’t have twenty years ago, either.”

  Tessa shook her head. “We barely knew each other then, we barely know each other now.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t know me at all.”

  Pain pierced her heart. She did know him, realized now the gravity of her lie. “I was wrong. I should’ve told you.”

  “Yes, you should have. You didn’t have a right.” He tucked the picture under his arm. “I need her phone number.”

  Tessa nodded and went to the kitchen for a pen and paper. The kitchen table reminded her of what had just happened between them, the love that surged in her heart while he’d filled her body. Too much history, history he only just learned about, worked against them.

  She scratched Brianna’s cell phone number and address onto a piece of paper. When she turned around Matt was watching her. Sadness marred his face. Anger seemed to be replaced with regret. He’d put on his shirt and tucked it in. Without the sparkle in his eyes or the smile on his lips, he looked like a stranger.

  “If I could make this right, for both of you, I would.”

  He took the paper from her. “I’d like to keep this.” He held the photo he’d taken off the wall.

  Tessa nodded. He turned, walked to the door and after a final glance back at her, he left.

  Matt’s hands shook. He had a daughter. Correction, he had two daughters. He didn’t know what to think, what to do. Of course, first he wanted to call Brianna. Once he returned to Chicago, he’d have to tell Rebecca. He sighed and thought of Pam’s reaction to the news. Not that he cared what she thought anymore. But she didn’t need another thing to bitch about.

  Matt slammed a fist against the steering wheel. Mentally rolling through the women he’d been with in his life, he wondered if he’d made other children he didn’t know about. An hour ago he wouldn’t have thought for a moment that the remotest possibility existed. Of course, he’d always been careful…except with Tessa. He groaned. Tonight he’d done it again. He’d had sex with her without a condom.

  Matt could only wait for lightning to strike. Outside of his marriage, the last time he’d had sex without a condom he’d gotten a girl pregnant. Now he had a nineteen-year-old daughter.

  He glanced at the dashboard clock then picked up the piece of paper off the passenger seat. Brianna probably wouldn’t be sleeping any better than he would be. Grabbing his cell phone, he weighed the idea of calling tonight or waiting until tomorrow when he’d hopefully have a better grasp of his emotions.

  Matt pulled over to the curb and turned off the vehicle. He dialed the number and listened to the ring.

  “Hello.” Her voice sounded rushed and breathless and it made him wonder if she had caller ID.

  “Hello Brianna, it’s Matt Toler.”

  “Matt.” Her voice turned whisper quiet. “I’m glad you called.”

  He took a deep breath. “I thought we should meet…and talk.”

  “Yes.” He heard the relief in her tone.

  “Is now a good time?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” He looked out the passenger window. “Because I’m in front of your apartment.” From the car, he watched her pull the curtains back.

  “Come in.” She hung up the phone and before he reached the door, she stood on the front porch.

  Matt approached with the desire to let her set the pace and tone of their meeting. She’d never had a father. His feet felt like anvils. Sweat trickled down his spine. He looked at her with new eyes. The family resemblance was unmistakable.

  “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

  He nodded and followed her into the house. What he really wanted to do was pull her into his arms and apologize for missing her life.

  Her apartment was small and neat, sparsely decorated yet homey.

  “Quite a revelation isn’t it?” She already had the coffee brewed. “Do you take cream or sugar?”

  “Black is great.” He sat at the small kitchen table. “This feels surreal.”

  She set the coffee in front of him. Matt wrapped his palms around the mug, letting the heat seep into his hands. “I don’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t come close to the remorse I feel for missing your childhood.”

  “You didn’t know.”

  “No.” His nostrils flared as he sucked in the aroma of the coffee and settled his anger. “Had I known, I would’ve been there.”

  Brianna shrugged. “Mom said the two of you were only together one night.”

  Matt put his hand over Brianna’s. Her eyes rose to meet his. “One night that could have been so much more. It’s hard to explain now. Your mother is special. She was then and she is now. Had she told me, well, we both would have different histories. Maybe both of us would remember and cherish happier memories.”

  Brianna took a sip of coffee. “Mom did a good job. I do have happy memories from childhood.” She cocked an eyebrow. “I didn’t have a dad, but she made sure I didn’t go without. That doesn’t diminish what she’s done. I still can’t believe the mother I thought told me everything lied about you.” She ran her finger around the rim of her coffee mug. “So you live in Chicago?”

  “Yes. I’m divorced. Rebecca—” He smiled. “You have a sister. She lives with her mother.”

  “Maybe someday I can meet her.”

  “I’d like that and I’m sure she would too. She plans to spend next year abroad.” He took a sip of coffee. “I’ll have some flexibility with my schedule. I’d like to come back here. Catch up on all I’ve missed.”

  “I’d like that.” She sighed and her shoulders relaxed. “Can we get together this weekend? I know you plan to go to the reunion with my mom.”

  He shook his head. The blurred line between pissed and regretful needed to be clearer. Until then, he couldn’t see Tessa. A boulder weighted his stomach. He needed perspect
ive on his feelings. And he also wanted time to consider how to best move forward with Brianna.

  “I won’t be going to the reunion.” This was his daughter, but he didn’t know her. He also didn’t want to create fodder for her anger against her mother. Yes, he hated what Tessa had done too, but he didn’t believe she’d kept Brianna a secret to spite him. “I’d love to spend the weekend with you. Perhaps you could come to Chicago before Rebecca leaves for Europe.”

  “I’d love that. How old is she?”

  Matt spent the next hours relishing the company of his daughter. He told her everything she wanted to know about his family, his career and even some of the tragedy in his life like when his brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. In return, she told him about her accomplishments in school, her college courses and what she wanted to do with her future.

  And then, without realizing how much time had past, Matt noticed dawn breaking outside the window. He laughed. “I should probably go. Do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

  “Yes. I’ll call Mom and stop by her house sometime today. I’ll get those photo albums if you really want to see them.”

  He was charmed by her insecurity. “I’d love to.” Emotions welled in his chest. “I’ll come by about six.” He stretched. “For now, I need to get some sleep.”

  Tessa hadn’t slept all night. Wondering about Matt and Brianna had her stomach tied in knots. And then Brianna called. She was on her way over and Tessa feared what she’d have to say.

  She heard a car in the driveway. Tessa rushed to the door and threw it open. Dark shadows beneath Brianna’s eyes expressed her lack of sleep, but she smiled, leaving Tessa reason to hope. Perhaps some of Brianna’s anger had dissipated.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  Tears filled Tessa’s eyes. “Did you talk to him?”

  Brianna nodded and came into the house. “He left a few hours ago. We stayed up all night talking. I tried to nap, but I’m too excited. We’re going to dinner and then he’s coming over.”

  “To your house?”

  “Yes, I came over to get photo albums to show him.”

  “I’m glad.” She wanted to say so much more but didn’t know how to put her emotions into words.

  And then there was the selfish part that hurt to the core of her being. She’d fallen in love with Matt again. Maybe because she had romanticized that night twenty years ago, she wanted to believe in the dream of happily ever after. She’d told so many lies she’d convinced herself some of them were truths. And in a matter of a few hours in Los Angeles, having an intimate dinner and making love, she’d realized all she’d imagined about Matt Toler was rather close to the truth. He was successful, helped people for a living, seemed to be a great father…Brianna could have had him in her life. A lump formed in Tessa’s throat. Perhaps he could’ve been the man for her.

  “Are you going to the reunion?”

  “No. I’m not really in the right frame of mind to socialize. Oh Brianna, how am I going to make this right for you and Matt? You can’t begin to understand how much I regret my decision.”

  “You can’t fix it.” She sighed and took a step toward Tessa and pulled her into a hug. “I love you, Mom. I’m beyond pissed that you lied to me.” She eased back and wiped tears from her cheeks. “It’s like I said to Matt, I didn’t have a terrible childhood.”

  “You told him that?”

  “Yes, and I think he understands better than I do why you chose to raise me on your own. Maybe you both have regrets. I think he wanted to tell me a lot more, but he held back.” Brianna sat on the couch. “I don’t think he had a good marriage. He shared so much about his life, but he didn’t share much about his ex-wife. All his good memories were with his daughter.”

  “Well, you can make more good memories with him, but I don’t think he’ll speak to me again.” She choked on the words.

  “Mom?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No more lies.” Brianna squatted in front of Tessa and took her hands. “No. More. Lies. What’s wrong?”

  Tessa closed her eyes. “I’m in love with Matt.”

  Brianna sat on her butt. Then a slow grin spread across her lips. “Really?”

  “Don’t look excited. He lives in Chicago, and lest we forget, he’s extremely angry with me, and with good reason.” Tessa touched Brianna’s cheek with a gentle caress. “I’m glad it’s worked out for you.”

  “Come on, Mom. Let’s make some lunch.”

  Tessa nodded. She might have destroyed her chances with Matt, but she would take solace in knowing she still had Brianna.

  Chapter Eight

  The following days Tessa didn’t see much of Brianna and didn’t expect to see Matt. It proved to be the longest weekend of her life. She supposed she could go to the last event of the reunion. Awards were going to be given during a nice dinner at the Prairie Steakhouse. Not that she would receive honors. Lifetime fuckup hadn’t been included in the nominations.

  She went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Nothing looked good. She hadn’t had an appetite, well, except for Matt and he was permanently off the menu. But she couldn’t forget the last meal, maybe because it had happened on the table.

  How was she supposed to eat where the last meal had been her?

  She walked into her room. The closet doors were open. A little black dress hung on the rod. Whether she went to the reunion or not, she could still make her appointment at the salon. The show had provided her with a gift certificate to have her new makeover recreated.

  Stepping outside, Tessa realized that she’d been secluded in her house. The sun was warm on her cheeks. Bluebirds chirped from the trees. But not even the blooming flowers settled the uneasy feeling in her stomach.

  She’d brought unhappiness upon herself. The rational woman she’d become recognized her mistakes. But that same woman had fallen in love. And damn it, she’d known a relationship with Matt was impossible.

  Driving through town to the salon she thought about what she could’ve done differently. Well, not even Matt could say for certain what would’ve happened if she’d told him about Brianna. That nineteen-year-old boy had the world waiting.

  Tessa sniffed and shook off the regret. Sometimes mistakes couldn’t be repaired. She glanced in the rearview mirror, flipped her signal and took a left into the salon parking lot. In this case, hindsight didn’t make her past decisions any clearer. But worrying about Matt only tormented her further. Brianna had forgiven her and that had to be enough.

  Tessa parked, blinked back tears while she locked the car and walked into the salon.

  Matt sat on the bed in his hotel. He stared at the picture of Brianna sitting on the desk. All he saw was Tessa. A crushing oppression tightened his chest. He hadn’t seen her since she told him about Brianna and with his flight home tomorrow, he wouldn’t.

  Acute regret washed over him. Regret that they’d missed a chance…for what? He bowed his head and clenched his hands together.

  Was he trying to blame Tessa for the choices he’d made? Of course, he would’ve had a different life had he known he’d left a girl pregnant. But that didn’t mean he’d have made better decisions with Tessa. They might have married, raised Brianna for a few years and then ended up divorced and hating each other. With a degree of remorse he knew Pam hated him. The one blessing in the marriage was Rebecca. He couldn’t imagine not having her. And although he was there to help raise his daughter, they weren’t as close as he’d like them to be. She and her mother were best friends.

  Why would he think he, Tessa and Brianna would’ve ended any differently?

  Perhaps their time wasn’t twenty years ago, but now. He couldn’t deny the voracity of his attraction to Tessa, and by her fierce responses, he doubted she’d deny that she felt the same.

  After glancing at the clock, he picked up the phone. Working through the omissions of the last twenty years would take time. And time was the best thing he had to offer her.

  He worked lo
ng hours, but that might have a lot to do with not having a reason to go home. Home, damn the word sounded good. In Chicago, he lived, but he didn’t have a life.

  Three, four. He sighed when the phone continued to ring without an answer.

  Matt planned to see Brianna for dinner. However, Tessa wouldn’t leave his thoughts. He couldn’t go back to Chicago with so much left unsaid between them.

  Taking his keys from the desk, he thought what the hell. He’d stop by Brianna’s apartment then head over to Tessa’s.

  Tessa decided her hair and makeup looked better today than they did at the Jade Star Show.

  “It’s a shame to let all the hotness go to waste.” Brianna rolled to her back on Tessa’s bed and pillowed her hands behind her head. “Go to the reunion dinner.”

  Tessa turned in front of the mirror. “I don’t want to.”

  “Liar.” Brianna sat up. “You’re afraid you’ll see Matt. He won’t be there.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because he’s coming over to meet Billy before he leaves tomorrow.”

  “Oh.” She went to the closet and pulled out the dress she’d planned to wear. “Do you think it’s too daring?”

  Brianna whistled and sat up. “You are going.” She stood and faced her mother in the mirror. “You have to wear the dress.” Brianna’s eyes narrowed. “In fact, this is how you can make it up to me. I want you to go to the dinner, wear this dress and show your high school chums how you’ve grown up.” Brianna wagged her brows. “And Mother, in this dress, how you’ve grown will be blatantly obvious.”

  Tessa chuckled. “If my wearing this dress will erase twenty years of deceit, I’ll do it.”

  Brianna hugged her mom. “I’ve met my father and I like him. I wish he’d been a part of my life, but I’m not going to spend the next twenty years punishing you. I’m going to get to know Matt and my half sister.” She kissed Tessa’s cheek. “And I’m going to keep my best friend.”

  “Don’t make me cry.” Tessa dabbed tears away. “I’ll smear my makeup and it appears I’m going to an awards dinner.”